I swear almost every single day I think “Tonight I’m going to update the blog. Yep, tonight’s the night I work my way towards being caught up.” And you know what? I don’t. Something else always comes up after Elsa goes to bed. Work. Laundry. Me just wanting to sit on the couch and do nothing for five minutes…or two hours. The nights add up, and before you know it you’re coming up on six months home and have written down hardly anything. We’ve taken a bazillion pictures. But the writing just hasn’t happened. So in short, we are doing well. Very well. Elsa is the sweetest, most precious gift ever, and we are enjoying her so much. She’s hilarious, and cute, and filled with so much joy. But this post isn’t about us. I promise to post soon, but not this one. This one is about another little “E” we love. He lives in Ghana and is a year or so older than Elsa.

And we love his mommy and daddy. Big time.

I hope that everyone can say they have friends like the Jernigans. You know, the kind that check in on you at just the right moment, that you can call in the midst of chaos because they “get” your kind of crazy, the ones that mean it when they say they’re praying for you, or the ones that go and do something super crazy awesome like sending you your favorite ice cream from when you were a kid packed in a box full of dry ice so that it makes the multi-state trip the week that you come home from Ethiopia with your daughter and you feel like the world has just been turned completely upside down and you can’t even see strait. Whew, run-ons. But that ice cream…that ice cream just might save the world.

Those friends. Lauren and Bryan are those friends.

And over the past several months God has asked them to walk through a lot. A lot lot.

There have been unexpected losses, delays, trials, and costs. There have been days that we’ve just sat on skype and cried together. And there have been days of rejoicing. The roller coaster ride of adoption is long…and kind of like one of those crazy wooden ones you think might just fall apart at any second so you hold your breath and pray the entire time. But all the while they have been an example to us of what it means to trust in the Lord and lean on His understanding. Because sometimes you just can’t understand.

We can’t stop the ache they feel to be reunited with E. We can’t tell them what that reunion looks like or what’s to come. We can’t fix the difficult things outside of their adoption journey that God is leading them through right now. But we can walk along side of them. And one burden we can help carry is the financial one. Until you go through the adoption process you just can’t imagine how these things add up. I bet we spent a thousand dollars on shipping papers back and forth alone. No joke. Sometimes you hear people say things like “Things got drawn out and we had to take an extra trip.” Do you know what that actually means for that family? What “an extra trip” to across the ocean means? What even the “regularly scheduled” two or three mean? Until we found ourselves flying across the ocean to meet Elsa I had no idea. Guys, the tickets, ouch. And that’s just a part of it. Passports, and visas, and time off work, and unpaid days because you’re out of vacation at your job, and lodging, and food, and all the things you need to travel (safely at that), and drivers, and someone to watch your pets (ha, poor izzy and bean), and travel agents, and baggage fees, and so on and so on. I refuse to even look back and add all of ours up. All I know is God provides for these families. He provided for us. And He will provide for Lauren and Bryan and sweet little E. Whatever them being together looks like, He will provide for it. And we feel led to be a part of that. So here’s our plan.

We’re calling it “Letters of Love” and it involves two big wooden Es. One for the Jernigans for their E, and one for our Elsa…because let’s face it, she’s three and she wanted one too. After all, her favorite letter is E too. Simple as that ha. For every $5 donated towards the Jernigan’s adoption Elsa is going to paint a big dot on each E. And I will write the names of the donors on the back. The idea is to COVER this thing. We want to make it a super bright, colorful, joyful reminder of all the people that were praying for all three Jernigans during this time. And I think we can do it. I think God’s going to transform these plain wooden Es into beautiful reminders of his faithfulness in all of this.

Now, I’m not naive, Elsa is three after all. Some of these “dots” may be more like squiggly lines or big smears. I don’t know what to expect really. Does it matter? Nope. Let’s just get this thing started and we’ll see the final result when we get there!

Ok, so are you ready?! Are you ready to bless the Jernigans in a big way? Elsa is. She’s been practicing painting all week. We’re ready to get messy! So here’s how to donate: See that Paypal button right down there? Yep, click it. That’s their button. Not mine. Theirs. It goes strait to their Project Hopeful fundraising paypal account, and it’s tax deductible. TAX DEDUCTIBLE ok? Ok. So, get clicking folks! I need to work with Elsa on her colors this week and this would be a great way to do it. We’ll put an end date on this of JUNE 15th, so that gives us almost a month to get this thing beautified! Now go!

Love you Lauren. Love you Bryan. Love you E. We’re praying for you guys.

You can also find this Paypal link, and more of their story, on their blog. http://beingbeautifullywoven.blogspot.com
 

Ok, so let’s just say I’m a little behind. Like eight weeks behind. I really do want (and need) to keep this up to date because the days are blurring, things change so quickly, and someday (like when we start the adoption process again) we need to go back and read these and say “Oh. My. Goodness. Do you remember when she did this?! Or that?! And how we were pretty sure things were never going to get easier even though we knew they would? Crazy. Ok, we can do it again.” Ha!! And let me just start out by saying, we were (are) very aware that adoption takes work. Like crazy amounts of it. Amounts that only God can actually give you, and then sometimes you’re so sleep deprived and confused that you kind of forget to look to Him for it until you realize you’ve derailed and need Him to get you back on there and moving forward.

Let me also say that we count ourselves very blessed. And really truly believe that we have had a very “easy” first 11 weeks home. We have far more good days than bad. Far more good moments than bad. Far more hugs and kisses than bites and hits. We have from the second we met her. We know that is not necessarily everyone’s story. So we are beyond grateful and thrilled that things have gone as they have. And we are amazed every day that Elsa continues to grow in her attachment to us, her comfort level in our home, and her ability to adapt to her new surroundings. Nate and I have looked at each other more than a few times and said “How does she do it? How does she allow herself to be happy? To have fun here? To eat here? To sleep here?” I’m pretty sure if my world had been turned upside down the way hers was I’d still be crying…but I’m not as amazing as my daughter, so I guess that shouldn’t surprise me.

Please don’t hear me saying that there isn’t a lot of work to be done though. There is. There always ALWAYS will be. Always. There are deep wounds that may never heal. There are “behaviors” that may not resolve for a very very long time…ever? Maybe not. Our sweet daughter has been through, in her three years, what most of us don’t experience in a lifetime. As much as we want to we can’t fix that. We just have to remember it (every. single. day.) as we parent her and help her process through these things. Confession: this is the hardest part…this is where our personal sin is by far the most visible. 

But I want to take some notes about the first month home so I don’t forget. They may be fragmented now. So here’s what I do (and want to) remember for Elsa Banke from the haze of that time…

• I had never been more excited and nervous in my life. Ever. You are the most precious thing ever. Full of joy and sweetness. It is abundant in you. I know this because it shines through all the fear, anger, grief, discomfort…all of it. At the end of the day everyone who knows you and meets you KNOWS how full of joy you truly are.

• You make us laugh. A lot. This is a short point, but you really do. Always have. You are a hilarious, cute, joyful little girl. With an awesomely kissable belly and the softest hair there ever was.

• You changed outfits at least seven times a day. True story. But they were all awesome. We have the pictures to prove it.

• We didn’t sleep much that first week and a half. Like at all. You slept for 16 hours the second you got in the car at the airport, but hardly at all for the next 9 days or so. I’m not sure how any of us survived haha. ; ) Whew. That second night…when I sat in your room with you from 2-10am…that was something. Jetlag, fear, and stress are sleep killers. Melatonin is a miracle. And now we all sleep. Enough said.

• There were real moments of fear and grief. REAL moments. And all we could do was sit there and hold you until it passed enough for you to open your eyes and breathe again. Puke happened. Tear induced puke. This mommy, who hates puke more than most anything, didn’t even care. Although since all you ate was Ethiopian food we were pretty sure we’d never be able to enjoy it again. Everyone in the house was sick. The place smelled like a pile of puke, poop, dirty laundry, and ethiopian food. We were all way too sick and tired to even notice. Sorry for all of you that brought us meals those first couple of weeks…we must have been a sight.

• We started seeing healing from day one. You attached very quickly, especially to abapa. Grief happened, but you came to us for comfort from the very beginning. A good sign. You got overwhelmed, but you asked us to come with you and you removed yourself from the situation (started at week two). Also a good sign. Even in those first couple of weeks we had a lot of hugs, a lot of kisses, a lot of laughter.

• The whole dog situation worked out a million times better than we’d expected. They were boarded for the first few days (best decision ever!) because let’s be honest, dachshunds can be annoyingly barky…and needy. They came home four days in, and by the third day they were home the three of you could be in the same room as each other and you were petting them. Honestly, this transition as been far harder on them than on you. Stubborn doxies.

• Eating was never an issue. Thank you Lord. You ate from day one. A lot. That tapered off and normal portions started around week 2-3. You’re so awesome at the table. Spoon, fork, hands…you can eat with them all and drink out of an open cup with one hand. Like I said, the first week or so was all Ethiopian food, but you started branching out sometime during that first week and trying new foods. Oh, and everything was room temperature. No hot or cold of any sort. I swear it all had to be between 70-75 degrees. Your “too hot” or “too cold” reaction is quite cute though. : )

• Our lives were one giant game of charades. We went from about 30 words to 2-3 word sentences during the first month. Your language development is so amazing and fascinating. You also gained quite an attention span in the first few weeks. This was quite possibly our favorite new skill.

• Oooo, or the carseat. That was a big deal too. You hated it. HATED it. But only for about five days. Thank you again Lord. We played for hours in the car. You would climb all over it, getting comfortable in it, “driving” in the garage. And then one day you pointed at the seat and said “Mine?” in Amharic. Yes! Yes, yours! And that day you decided to get in. There was no going back. You’ve loved the “beep beep” ever since. In fact it’s how you fell asleep for the first four weeks. I don’t blame you…I don’t like falling asleep in a new place either. Nights are hard.

• Bathtime went from being kind of scary to super fun. Like hours a day fun. Three, four baths a day. Didn’t matter. We just wanted you to feel safe and comfortable and have fun in the tub. Girl, you LOVE duckies. Your first few baths were what I would call freezing (I like my showers on the burny side). Not because I wanted them that way, because you did. I felt bad that they were so not warm, but each time we would warm it up a little tiny bit and by the second/third week you were taking baths I didn’t feel so badly about you being in for long periods of time. Now you’re like mama…you like the bath hot…but back then, whew.

• You liked to look at things from Ethiopia and wear your dresses from Ethiopia. You still do. Almost on a daily basis we look through pictures of your/our time in Ethiopia and at AHOPE. We’re also fortunate enough to get to skype with some of the people who cared for you so well before we could be a family. These aren’t scary or sad moments for you right now, but almost happy. We’re excited and anxious to hear what you have to say about these things as your language develops.

• The very first book you picked up was your “Jesus book.” This was amazing to us. It’s still one of your favorites. Without any language we were able to add the name Jesus to our conversation without having to try very hard. Amazing. Now it’s mommy and abapa’s job to do a good job nurturing that. Confession: you’ve reminded us to pray more than a couple of times…

• Christmas happened. And it was awesome. Somebody is definitely the first grandchild on both sides. And how nice it is to have family that supports us and loves us and LOVES us and you so so much. LOVES you loves you loves you. We know how huge of a blessing this is, and we will never take it for granted. But seriously, it was awesome having you home for Christmas. And truly awesome having both families come visit us. We know it wasn’t an easy trip for anyone. But you love them all so much…I think they were happy to make the drive. ; ) Lots of fun moments, hugs, kisses, hilarious faces, and trying new foods that grandma made. Oh and GG, you and GG are quite the pair. Week four ended with my parents leaving. Week five started with Nate’s family getting here…so they’re up next…

PICS FROM WEEK ONE

PICS FROM WEEK TWO

PICS FROM WEEK 3

PICS FROM WEEK 4

I really need to get better about staying on top of this…things are starting to get blurry and it’s going to bum me out if I forget some of the details of these first weeks home. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the first moments home though.

Nate’s trip was such a whirlwind of events. Things were stacked so close together and happened so fast I don’t think either of us slept much at all that week. He was there doing all the leg work…meeting Elsa, jumping through the hoops to bring her home as quickly as possible, dropping off donations, meeting our friends from fashionABLE for the first time, picking up keepsakes for her, hanging out with some important people in her life, playing with the kids at AHOPE, and celebrating with them all at her going away party before taking her into custody and back to the guesthouse with him for a night before making the long long looooong trip back home. I was trying to live in both time zones. Like I said, internet access was limited, so I was trying to make sure I was catching and answering emails from the embassy and agency and then calling Nate in country to let him know what was going on. It all happened very fast until their airplane ride home. And then time crawled. The first flight was almost 17 hours. From Addis to DC. Waiting to hear that they had landed in DC was killer. Being on the flight was probably worse…

I had made all the travel plans for Nate and Elsa to leave on Thursday once we got clearance on Wednesday. The timeline was crazy. An hour and a half to get through customs and immigration and to the next flight from DC to Charlotte, but the next best option included almost 10 hours of layovers once in the states…and I knew neither of them would be excited about that. Fortunately we have some of the greatest friends ever (and fellow adoptive family) that live in DC. They offered to go to the airport and wait outside of customs to meet the two of them and help in any way they could to get them on that next flight. Friday morning I woke up to a text at about 6am my time saying that they (Family L) were at the airport and the flight had landed over an hour early. Good news. However there were five flights in customs, and no one from their flight had exited customs yet. Bad news. You can’t turn your phone on back there, so we had no idea of knowing where they were in the line or what was happening. Now that I know the behind the scenes it’s insane. God put some amazing strangers back there that are the only reason Nate and her made that next flight. And some amazing baggage people that for some unknown reason took Nate’s bags and checked them. Something we were told he wouldn’t be able to do until he left customs and rechecked in upstairs. Not to mention that they had printed ALL of their boarding passes in Ethiopia so since the baggage people took the bags there was no need to recheck in. Amazing. The details still give me chills. There’s no explaining it. God’s hand was ALL over getting those two home. L and I texted back and forth for an hour and a half. It felt like 24 hours and 30 seconds all at the same time. Then all of a sudden, with less than 30 minutes before their next flight took off, a text came through saying something to the tune of “They’re here! They made it!” and then these two pictures followed by a phone call saying that she had no idea what had happened, but Nate had no bags, no time, and her husband and the two of them were running like crazy people trying to get them to the next flight. Of course they couldn’t go past security, so for the next hour and a half we all waited to hear from Nate to see if they had actually made the plane (which left on time) or if there were stuck in some line trying to rework their flights.

My whole family had driven down from Iowa and Minnesota to meet them at the airport with me. It was the longest and shortest morning ever. I had had plans to get a good night sleep the night before, but there was no way that was happening. We all went to bed around 3am…too excited. So 6am was early. Once we finally heard from Nate that they had landed in Charlotte and were on the last flight time seemed to fly. Everyone got ready right away so we could head out and grab lunch before heading to the airport. Oh the airport. Time had gone too fast so we’d grabbed our food to go. I drove our car with the carseat so I hadn’t eaten. I was starving, but way too nervous and excited to eat. We were greeted by so many of our dear friends. Elsa had quite the crew of friends waiting for her arrival. So many little, and big, ones from all over the world. Biological families…adoptive families…a really beautiful picture of the community God has placed us in over the past couple of years.

The flight was about a half hour late. Felt like forever. When it got close to time I headed upstairs with our friends Jamie, Erin, and Kat who had graciously agreed to photograph and video their arrival. I could hardly stand it. I hadn’t seen Nate in almost a week, I hadn’t seen Elsa Banke in four and a half months. And when I actually had gotten a few seconds to talk to Nate, between US flights, all he could say was “That was the worst thing ever” (in regards to the 17 hour flight from Addis), so I was ready to see him and thank him for traveling across the world and back to bring our daughter home.

And then they were here. And I cried like a baby. Big ugly baby tears haha. It was so good to see them both. Our precious daughter was home. And happy. And alert. And running right towards me. Awesome. Thank you God for that moment.

We headed downstairs to introduce Elsa Banke to her family and friends that were waiting. This part got a little blurry because I was trying to take in everything she did, while making sure we made our way around to everyone…I was seriously excited to introduce her to everyone who’d been waiting and praying with us for the last two years. She was amazing. She loved the cameras, and the people, and the attention. She was happy and giggly, and snuggly, and perfect. Once things calmed down we headed towards the car. And the carseat. The first decent size hurdle on US soil. The struggle wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but she certainly wasn’t excited about the idea of getting in it. Eventually she did. And half way home she crashed. Hard. For the next 16 hours. My family came by that night and everyone passed her around like a newborn baby. : ) She sleeps so hard, she was totally out. It was a perfect answer to prayer. We wanted family to get to spend time with her, and hold her, we just figured that there was no way that would happen just hours after getting home…but God provided, and it was awesome. And then we woke up the next morning…and things got real…

Photos above: Jamie Wright

Photos above: Erin Morris

Ok, so I knew I’d fall behind with the blog once she got home…but seven weeks?! That’s excessive. This is rare event is happening on our living room floor right now, so I’m going to try to get a quick (ha!) update published.

A quick rundown of what took place in Ethiopia seven weeks ago. Nate landed in Addis Ababa in the morning (Monday) and went strait to the guesthouse, dropped his things off, and then pretty much headed strait to AHOPE to see Elsa Banke. Because there were some people already at AHOPE that he couldn’t have contact with until after the embassy appointment he didn’t get to see her until later that afternoon, but he got to spend the day with some of the volunteers and staff we’d met on our first trip. After her nap Elsa Banke came out of her room and her and Nate got to see each other again for the first time in 15 weeks!

Monday’s meeting went well, and we were cleared by the US embassy on Tuesday. They got Nate in for his appointment on Wednesday, and he and Elsa were back on and airplane heading to the US Thursday night. Home friday around lunch time. It was fast. Really fast. Exhausting (physically and mentally), overwhelming, exciting, fun, scary, all of it. I was here in the states, with better internet access, so I could answer emails and arrange things with our travel agent and the embassy.

But Nate did all the hard work.

He is THE definition of a “super amazing rock star best ever couldn’t love him more” papa and husband. Those 30+ hours home with our daughter were harder than any of us will ever be able to imagine. Especially that first 17 hour long flight. Nate still doesn’t like talking about it haha. The recovery was long for them both. Both of them were sick. Neither of them slept. Lots of tears. Lots of prayers. A giant sigh of relief when they finally landed in Nashville. Did you know they make seat belts on airplanes that allow you to buckle your kid to you if they won’t sit in the seat on their own? Either did I. But Nate found that out…

I’m hoping maybe Nate will someday be able to find the time to write about his time in Ethiopia and the trip home. I can’t really do it justice since I wasn’t there. But it was made very clear during his trip and after they got home, and even now as the days go by, that having one of us stay home and one of us go was really the best thing for our family. Even though I ended up getting sick from them, it didn’t hit me until they had started feeling a little better, so there were times when Nate could just go and sleep and try to recover while I hung out with her during the day…or during the LONG hours of the night when she wasn’t sleeping at first. Oh man those first couple of weeks home…

But that’s another blog post. For another nap. Or one of these nights when she’s asleep…maybe tonight…we’ll see. : ) But she’s home. And she’s amazing. God’s timing was perfect. Just like we knew it would be even when things got hard. Even now looking back we can see reasons why we had a longer than expected wait to bring her home. We are so thankful, and amazed, that God chose us to be her parents. So so thankful.

Since there’s absolutely no chance of me sleeping for at least a little while longer I figured I’d post a little of what the last couple of days have looked like. After the craziness of Nate’s trip getting bumped up we had about 24 hours before he flew out. In a way these super short notice trips are a blessing because you don’t have time to fully process and freak out about them ha! You know, the kind of freak out you might have when you realize that in less than 48 hours you’re going to be single dad-ing it with a toddler until the embassy tells you you can come home. He had plenty of time to think about that on the 14 hour flight I suppose… 

He’s going to be so awesome at this. But I know he wouldn’t mind being prayed for. There are a lot of unknowns and unpredictables ahead for their time together in country and for their trip home whenever it may be. And I know as excited as he is he’s also feeling a little anxious about what the next several days look like. I’m praying for him to be brave, and strong, and bold for her…and that he stays mentally and physically healthy. He is in good hands at the guesthouse. Birtukan has already promised me tonight that she will give him a hug for me and feed him well (her food is so good). “He will not lose weight. It might happen in reverse haha!”

And if she makes her pizza it is quite likely. Mmm. Who knew the best pizza in the world was in Ethiopia?

At about 11:00 our time tonight Nate landed in Addis, and now an important meeting in our case is about to hopefully begin. My stomach has been in knots about both all day. I don’t think it’s any secret that flying makes me a little nervous…ha! He called a bit ago and said that he had landed. And he just called to say that he got his bags and is on the way to the guesthouse.

I hope he got some sleep on the plane because it’s morning there now, and depending on what happens today things could get nuts. But as soon as he gets to the guesthouse he’ll be able to get some plans made. And then call me back. Which is why it might be a while before I sleep. That and I’m still hoping to hear from the embassy in the next few hours. Eeep!

We are so grateful for everyone’s prayers and support through all of this. I have gotten some really touching notes today, and everyone’s texts and FB posts really encourage us while we wait. We have no idea what the next few days bring, but the internet in Ethiopia is not great, or reliable, so Nate will be updating me as he can. And I’ll be updating y’all. Thank you again to everyone who has been praying for us, sacrificed and given so generously to us financially, and have loved us in lots of other crazy ways…like waking up at 5am to help set up garage sales, or driving 12 hours to surprise me for a shower, or bringing us Thanksgiving dinner just hours after our initial plans to leave fell through, or just letting us (ok, me)  call and cry on the other end of the phone when we get really good news or really bad news. I know a lot of people say that the adoption process can be isolating. And in a lot of ways it can be. But I can honestly say that we do not feel isolated. We feel loved, and cared for, and very very blessed.

So, if you could, please keep Nate and Elsa in your prayers until they come home. I am missing those two!! What a duo… : )

In the meantime, I’m going to stay busy cooking and filling our freezer full of goodies for after she gets home!

Well, this is yet another unexpected update. Unexpected may be the word to describe our adoption process. For us anyways. God saw all this coming…but this morning after waking up super refreshed and at peace with everything we couldn’t help but burst out laughing in disbelief after one of the social workers working on our case messaged me this morning and said:

“So Nate will take Elsa B on Wednesday” Uh, what? “He will be here Wednesday ya?” Um. No, Nate is still right here sitting next to me. “Oh, well we think he will likely go to embassy on Wednesday.” Um, like in five days from now?!! “Yes. We are hopeful that if he is here he will go that day and you will be done and on your way back home by the end of the week.” Ok…hang on, I should wake Nate up…

We have the best travel agent. Period. She may be as glad to see Elsa get home as we are after all this rearranging!

We had planned (seriously, why do we even try to plan anymore!?) to wait until Sunday night before making any new plans for the coming week. Just to be sure. We thought it highly likely that Nate would leave Tuesday, but figured we’d wait so that we could hear what the embassy says. But, if the embassy does clear us after that meeting (which they should, and our contacts in Ethiopia say they should) then it sounds like they are going to try to get Nate in just a day or two later and wrap this all up. Which can’t happen if he isn’t there. So yes, it is a gamble. Because there are never any “knowns” until they are, well, known. And if they can’t get him in next week he could be there a little bit longer. But after weighing all the options, looking at schedules, and talking things through with our contact in Ethiopia, we feel it is worth the potential “risk” (of him being there for longer) for him to to try and get her home asap asap asap. I feel good about this decision. Nate feels good about it. We think the chances of getting her home quickly increase if he is in country. And we are both glad that no matter what happens with embassy next week he will be with her until she can come home.

So there you go. Our third (or fourth?) plan to get Elsa home. It’s a few days sooner than we expected. But the tickets are booked and he’ll be squeezing our little girl in just a little more than 48 hours. Oh this crazy process…

Wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Now we rearrange the suitcases so that he doesn’t have as many to haul around. And I get to work making lists and labeling what donations go where and all. I told Nate I’d get everything ready for him so he didn’t have to try to figure stuff out or stress about anything before picking Elsa up. To which he responded “Great! Just wind me up and point me in the direction you want me to go.” I married one cool dude. He’s going to be awesome at this.

Prayers are appreciated for safe travels, a smooth embassy process and clearance this weekend/early next week, and of course for Nate and Elsa B as they reunite! So excited for both of them. : ) Nate will be keeping me updated, and I will be letting everyone know when they will be arriving home so that anyone who wants to be at the airport with me when they get here can be!

And thank you to everyone who sent us messages and posts and texts after yesterday’s post. I can’t tell you how much it helped us both process through it all.

I’m going to try to keep this short, and honestly I’m not really sure how to write this yet, but since it’s so last minute we need to get it out there asap for everyone.

Some quick backstory. The six days in Ethiopia this August were some of my favorite ever. Some of my absolute favorite ever. Getting there, and coming home, were four of my absolute worst ever. The anxiety on the planes make my me physically ill and mentally exhausted. We both agreed, and got our hearts prepared for the fact that on the second trip back Nate would make a super quick trip and just go pick her up one cleared. I would stay here preparing the house, meals, staying refreshed, etc. So that when they got back I could hop into mommy mode unaffected by jet-lag or any stomach stuff either one may have picked up, while Nate recovered from the trip and got some much needed rest. 12 weeks later, things had slowed with the process, and I told Nate I was good to go, that I needed to go…he questioned me, like I told him to after the first trip and like he should have, but I told him I was fine and pleaded with him to have peace about me going. Except, about a week out the anxiety about the flight popped back up big time. Worse (there aren’t even words) this time because I already knew what it was going to be like.

With that said we wrestled with what to do about it for the last week. People have been praying for us (I know there have been SO many of you), have laid hands on and prayed with us, offered coping tips (since meds aren’t one), and talked through both sides of the decision with us. This is something I know is not of God. We know that He doesn’t rob us of joy like this, and that He knows more than anyone how badly it hurts us to not be able to put our arms around Elsa every day. We’ve been praying together that He fill both of us with an unexplainable peace, and give us clarity to make a decision in what seems like (and feels like) a no win situation.

I am heartbroken.

And feel like a total failure. Mom…wife…follower of Christ…adoption advocate…friend…daughter…granddaughter…all of them.  I am sorry. I know that’s not true either, and that those feelings aren’t from God. But this is an absolute low point in our process. I don’t think I have ever felt this kind of awful before. I do take comfort in knowing that this was not a surprise to God. He knew all along that we would make the decision for me to not travel on this second trip. And He knew that we would make the decision in the wee hours of the morning last night to postpone this one. I am sure this doesn’t make sense to anyone. Because it doesn’t. It doesn’t make sense to us right now. But an anxiety about something particular like this doesn’t make sense…especially when rolled together with all of the other emotional highs and lows this last step of the process has brought…it’s completely illogical and heartbreaking.

I have waited and wanted nothing more than to hold our sweet girl. She is waiting for the same. Words can’t even describe how sad I am today. We want her home so badly. But after a week of trying to make a decision we could have peace about this is what we’ve come to…

We are going to get on the “normal” adoption plan. The one that is typical for the process. This means we feel like the things we were going to go early for to help rush are being taken care of. And it sounds like they are. Nate and I will wait until Sunday night to hear what the embassy says. Yes, just a couple of days from now. We are hoping, and expectant, that they will clear us immediately. This would hopefully mean that Nate would travel sometime this coming week, in effect only adding a couple of days to the time apart for all of us. If something goes wrong with embassy and we feel Nate needs to be there he will leave in the coming week anyways. So overall it is seeming like next week will be Nate’s departure and Elsa and his reunion will only get moved a few days. Then I will make sure everything around the house and work and US side of things go smoothly and meet them at the airport (with anyone else that wants to be there!) when they get home. There are pros and cons to both sides of this. We have been through them a million times, and as a family have decided that in the best interest of all three of us, this is our best option.

My ticket will just be cancelled and refunded and put into the HSA for Elsa. Same with Nate’s and then he will rebook as soon as he possibly can once we know something further. Elsa’s obviously hasn’t been booked yet, so her’s will be booked along with Nate’s since we should have a coming home date at that point as well.

So we’re going to lay low today…maybe a few days…and just pray that we hear good news on Sunday from the embassy. I know there will likely be some judgement from yall, maybe a lot, but please hear me when I say that no one is more heartbroken or sad than I am. Than we both are. I am not going back to the country my daughter calls home, and that I love so much. I am going to miss things that will probably make me sad for a very long time. And miss hugging the people and friends we’ve waited months to go back and see. All consequences of this decision that I/we will cope with. I hope that even if you have no idea what that panic feels like that you please try to see how bad it must be for me to surrender all of the hopes, and ideas, and firsts, and pictures, and sweet moments with her in Ethiopia that we had dreamed about. And if I don’t answer a call, or a text, it’s not because I’m not grateful for it…I just can’t talk right now. I may not really be able to talk about this part until she is home and all of this has passed and we have built our new reunion story…the one we had originally planned and gotten our hearts prepared for.

So today we are going to work on being thankful. I am thankful that Elsa is still our precious daughter, no matter what day of the week Nate gets there. I am thankful for a husband that loves Elsa and me a ridiculous amount, leads our family with a clarity I don’t always posses, and can make the hard calls when I can’t make the words come out of my mouth. I am thankful God is all knowing, and even in times when we feel at our absolute smallest and weakest He remains a solid rock for us to stand on. I can’t understand right now why this has to be part of our story, but there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by or a decision that’s been made that He didn’t use for good…and I have to believe right now that that will continue.

We are thankful for everyone that is following along. For everyone that is supporting us and praying for us and is as excited to see Elsa come home as we are. By choice we’ve been an open book with our process…that’s how we’ve wanted to walk through this. But it makes days like today especially hard because  I feel like I’ve let all our friends and family down as well. And I’d be lying if I said you all weren’t also a big part in what made this decision so hard to make. I’m sorry. I’m sorry to the grandparents, and to the aunts and uncles. I’m sorry to the friends who have rearranged and scheduled to help us make all these last minute plans. I’m sorry to the people who have spent hours praying for and with us. I’m sorry to the people in Ethiopia that I promised I’d come see. I’m just really really sorry.

And that’s the part where Nate comes in and can offer some “our family” clarity. Thankful for him. And thankful for you.

Hopefully we will be back with an update in just a couple of days saying that this is all done and cleared and she will be home in just matter of days. We will continue to keep everyone posted…

A quick update…as things just go much crazier around here. We have changed our flights and are now flying out almost a week earlier than expected!!! The embassy has moved forward with our case and some very important things are going to take place that we want to be in ethiopia for. These things don’t require us to be there, and we aren’t a part of them, but there are reasons we want to be in country earlier. This does not mean that we can bring Elsa home yet, nor do we know when we can bring her home, but we are hoping our case will be cleared shortly after these events and that we will be on our way home with Elsa very very soon!!

Our big prayer requests right now:

- We are praying that all who need to be at the embassy meetings are there, that things go smoothly for them, and that God prepares and protects their hearts for all of this.

- We are praying that while we are in Ethiopia we are able to gather as much information for Elsa as possible.

- We are praying that God prepares Elsa’s heart to not only see us again, but for all the significant changes this trip and coming home will bring.

- We are praying for safe travels, provision, health, and that we are able to come home soon.

- And of course lots of prayers of thanksgiving for things moving forward, and God’s faithfulness and provision in this all.

This also means there are only a few days left to get your name on her bag!! If you haven’t “tagged her bag” yet and would like to please let me know asap!! IF YOU MISSED THAT POST CLICK HERE – HOW TO GET YOUR NAME ON ELSA’S SUITCASE!!

We’ve been busy packing all of our and Elsa’s stuff, and tons and tons of donations! And food. Not knowing how long we will be there means we are bringing some dried and pureed fruits and other snacks to have in the guesthouse. : ) We’re also bringing some holiday goodies for us and friends living in Addis. Praying hard we’ll be home for Christmas…but just in case!

Elsa’s bag is looking so awesome!! If we run out of room on the sides we will move to the top where her name is! Thank you so much to everyone who has helped us get Elsa home!!

A couple of days ago I was getting ready to write this updated blog post about how we hadn’t heard anything yet about being submitted to the US embassy, but that we were making the decision to just head to Ethiopia and basically live there, with Elsa, until the embassy cleared us to come home. And that’s still a pretty true story, except…I have been waiting to type these words for a very long time…WE ARE SUBMITTED TO THE US EMBASSY!!!!!! Thank you Lord!!!! Ok, so what does this mean? We are still going to Ethiopia early. We have decided that it is in the best interests of Elsa B that we head there and hunker down until they clear our case and tell us we can bring her home. How long will that be? We don’t know. Honestly they could call us before we use the plane tickets we’ve already bought and all these plans wouldn’t even matter. BUT we could also end up being there for quite a while. We have no idea, and until they give us more information we will continue to have no idea. And then even when they do give us more information we STILL won’t really have any idea. So basically, we are temporarily “moving” to Ethiopia to be with our daughter. Could be five days, could be three months. God knows. We do not.

So, we’ve gotten most everything like accommodations, house sitter, passports, food, driver, packing, and paperwork type stuff underway. Which is good.  But, as you can imagine this leaves a lot of gray area when it comes to things like knowing what will happen for the holidays, how much it will all cost, what it’s going to be like for her (and us) to all live together, and how exactly things like work will go exactly. As of right now we have every expectation that we will continue working while in Ethiopia. Someone’s got to pay the bills right!? It may be crazy hours or random places where we can get the best internet, but work will continue to happen. And thank goodness, the guesthouse has internet. There are a lot of things we want to do, and people we are very excited to see while in Ethiopia. We have missed being there very much. And while we hope that our case is cleared easily and quickly, we feel very fortunate that everyone we know in Ethiopia is excited about us coming back. And we are thankful for the efforts they have gone to to make our travels and stay as comfortable and stress free as possible. We have some seriously amazing, generous, God loving Ethiopian friends, and I can not wait to squeeze them!!!

Obviously this means that we’ve started the process of buying airline tickets!! Since there’s no end date we’ve gone ahead and gotten our one way tickets to Ethiopia and then, with the help of our fabulous travel agent, we will get one way tickets for all three of us home. Home home home. So, a quick TAG HER BAG update! Look at how awesome her bag is looking!!! There is still a little room on one of the sides, so if you would like to have your name on her suitcase here’s how again…

To get your name on her suitcase you can donate any amount. I’m serious. Donations can be made using the chipin paypal link in the sidebar of this blog (the green/orange one over there to the right >>), through the mail, or in person to either of us or my parents. Email arippke [at] gmail [dot] com with any questions or to get our address! Thank you for helping us get our girl home!!! We will keep updates coming of where we’re at with all of this, and pictures of her suitcase as names get added!

Her bag is looking awesome!!!! Thank you to everyone who has helped us get to our daughter and bring her home. Look at how many thank you notes I have to write before we leave…whoa!!!

Pictures from the day they told her we are coming back! The first one is her holding her hand up to her mouth to tell us she will see us soon! She’s getting taller, and check out her hair!!! You are just going to melt when you see her sweet face…seriously. I didn’t have anything to do with it…so I’m pretty sure it’s ok for me to say stuff like that. : )

Preparing the tree in case we’re traveling over or super close to the holidays. I promise to still love Thanksgiving, I just want more than a couple of days with our tree up ok? We added a paper chain for each day until we go! : ) The right hand image is Elsa’s handmade Christmas skirt and some goodies and meds for the orphanage from my friend Bri. We’ve never even met, but Bri and her family have been so sweet to us and the kids at AHOPE. This will be coming with us just in case. ; ) I can’t wait to see Elsa dancing around it it!! She made the skirt, and her Etsy shop is HERE.

And speaking of Etsy, and Christmas, it’s that time of year again. Christmas cards!!! We did this last year as a fundraiser, and we’re doing it again. I’ve added new designs to the shop and it’s really easy! You just tell me which design you want (or purchase it through Etsy if you use Etsy) and then give me the pics you want to use. I send you back proofs, and then a final printable jpg you can take to Target, or shutterfly, or Walgreens…wherever you like to have prints printed. I also have print packages that are done on thick cardstock paper instead of photo paper. OUR SHOP IS HERE, but feel free to contact me at arippke [at] gmail [dot] com if you have any questions or aren’t an Etsy user!

And then one final, and very very cool thing. Throughout all of this we have been blessed and showered by support and love and gifts from people all over the world. There are so many people that are a part of Elsa’s story it just amazes us. So many people are helping us get her home. So many people are praying for her and us. Or writing us notes of encouragement. So many people are taking care of her while we wait, or bringing her pictures or notes from us, or simply picking her up and giving her a hug in our absence. Some of you have  been our friends for a long long time, and you have walked this journey with us from the start. Some are friends we’ve made in the last couple of years, or through the adoption community. And then some are “virtual friends” like Bri, who made the skirt above, or most of the AGCI families we love!  Seriously how did people do this before the internet!? And, most unexpected to me are the complete strangers that God has put in our path for one reason or another. When we look across the board at all the people that are a part of Elsa’s story there are a lot of you. A LOT. And we are so thankful for that. So, in continuing to be amazed, a package arrived for Elsa today that completely blew us away. Nate’s sister is in grad school and one of her professors, a woman we don’t even know, has been following our story and made Elsa this BEAUTIFUL quilt complete with pictures of Nate’s side of the family. It is so fun, and such an awesome gift for her to have. I mean really, how awesome is this!? So thank you SIL’s professor! This is awesome.

This past weekend three of my amazing friends threw us an awesome shower celebrating Elsa B, and preparing for her homecoming. It was such a nice time hanging out (and eating seriously delicious food) with the women God has put in our lives over the past two years. I love stuff like that because once you sit there with everyone together at the same time you can really start to see how He’s pieced it all together…each one having a very specific and meaningful part in bringing Elsa and us together. These are the type of friends I know we’ll be able to call on at a moments notice when things completely change around here once she gets home. And since a lot of them are adoptive moms as well it was a fun time of sharing how God brought us each to our child(ren) from all over the world and domestically.

But the biggest surprise was my mom, grandma, and Nate’s mom all showing up at our house sometime after midnight the night before the shower. They drove 12 hours to come celebrate with us…pretty awesome grandmas. I about had a heart attack when Nate opened our front door at 12:30 am, while the dogs were freaking out. We had a fun couple of days together getting things ready around the house and in Elsa room. Picking clothes out for our next trip, and getting snacks together. Mmm hmmm, they brought us snacks for Ethiopia. : ) We have been blessed with the best friends and family. And my mom brought Elsa’s suitcase so we could start tagging it!

AN UPDATE FROM ETHIOPIA: Today we got to skype with a friend from Ethiopia and get some updates on where everything is at and how Elsa B is doing. She’s been asking about us daily, so we told him to tell her we’d be there in a month-ish. Sidenote: This wait is so not fair for her, ugh. I can not wait to have travel dates decided on so that there can be an official count down for her to have. She has started nursery school and is learning the alphabet and counting. I’m sure she loves it. She was all about the flash cards and counting when we were there with her. And her hair! I commented that it’s looking so good and he said “I don’t even have words for how good her hair is getting!” I’m sure she is loving her hair growing back too. I can’t wait to run my fingers through it! This trip I think we’ll bring some of our hair goodies friends and family members have gifted us with. She’s totally going to be one of those girls that can wear her hair anyway she wants to. : ) Lucky.

We still don’t have the medical paperwork needed to be submitted to the embassy. But we’re praying to get it before next Wednesday so we can finally be submitted to the embassy. It would certainly make travel arrangements easier to know that our case is in fact moving forward….and that hopefully we’ll get to come back to the states before our 60 day budget runs out! Yes, we’re making arrangements/budgets for 60 days in Ethiopia. There’s no rhyme or reason to that number, we literally just chose one and are working with it. So no, we don’t know that’s how long it will be, and there are no guarantees.

TAG HER BAG UPDATE: The bag is looking amazing!!! You guys have blown us away, and we are SO grateful for everyone’s help and support. Nate made the comment “well this should be easier to find at the baggage claim!” ha, and it will be. One more thing to be thankful for…since it took us an hour to find our bags in Addis last time. With a whole bunch of unknowns coming up in the process, and the possibility of a whole bunch of unforeseen expenses due to what could be a much longer trip than originally planned, I can’t even tell you how much this is lowering the stress level around our house and allowing us to think clearly. Each time we start getting overwhelmed by talking to our travel agent (love her!), the guest house owner (love her too!), or just start trying to answer questions like “If we’re gone for two months what does that mean happens with the dogs? Or the bills around the house? And the house sitter? Or being away for the holidays? What if we have to fly back right around the holidays? Can we find a way to cook our own food instead of paying for all the meals? What will it look like/cost for her to live with us in Ethiopia?” and on and on. But each one of these names helps us answer those questions and allows us to put our focus back on being there for her.

There is still room on the bag for your name!! We’ve filled in side 1 and are now on side 2! But there are all the outer sides as well, so lots of room! We are so excited to have everyone that’s been praying and loving us and Elsa through this all on her suitcase. We plan on using theis suitcase as a sort of “hope chest” for all of Elsa B’s keepsakes from her time in Ethiopia and things we bring back from this next trip. If you missed my last blog post here’s how it works:

Every donation made towards helping us bringing Elsa home will be matched by her Grandma and Grandpa (my parents). That means that $5 is $10, $25 is $50…you get the idea. The name of each person who donates any amount will then be written (tagged) in white ink on her suitcase…a tangible, visual keepsake for her to have of all the people who have loved us and prayed for us during our wait to bring her home. We will be loading this suitcase with all of her travel needs (lots of pretty pink clothes and sweet toys and blankets) as well as donations for AHOPE. It’s a big suitcase…we can load that baby up with all kinds of blessings for Elsa and her “brothers and sisters” in Ethiopia. Seriously, I can’t wait to take a picture of her standing next to this thing…it’s awesome.

To get your name on her suitcase you can donate any amount. I’m serious. Donations can be made using the chipin paypal link in the sidebar of this blog (the green/orange one over there to the right >>), through the mail, or in person to either of us or my parents. Email arippke [at] gmail [dot] com with any questions or to get our address! Thank you for helping us get our girl home!!! We will keep updates coming of where we’re at with all of this, and pictures of her suitcase as names get added!

Side 1, and the beginnings of us figuring out what’s going in the bag. Kind of tricky when you don’t know if you’re going to be there two weeks or three months. And how am I supposed to chose out of all of this cuteness!? : )

Side 2, still lots of room!!

The letters Alli made for Elsa’s shower and room (so cute) and some of the organized mess of figuring out what to pack for our next trip. A recent pic we got of Elsa with the bear we sent her back in May. I was pretty sure that guy would be long gone or dirty as can be by now, but it’s not. And she went and grabbed it specifically for this picture for us. *melt*

Pictures from the shower. : )

The delicious food, Elsa’s Spock tshirt (Alli you are awesome), and the fabulous hostesses with the letters Alli handmade.

My mama, the creative grandma behind the whole “tag her bag” idea. : )